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What was this wakeup call trying to tell me? What was my body, saying to me about me, about me? Gradually, I began to realize that in exposing my body to belly dance, I had in essence, introduced a whole set of new and affirmative experiences and beliefs into a closed and rigid system. I was being given the opportunity to examine the powerful, mistrustful messages I received about the nature of life, faith and hope in my early years. I was being shown how they had crystallized into a fear- based body pattern that inhibited my ability to fully breathe into and occupy my own strong self.
With this realization, suddenly everywhere in my body, there was this sense of freedom and space I’d never experienced before. The dance movements I’d been learning began to yield up powerful and direct information. The circle spoke to me of strength and stability, and I could find both in my pelvic floor. The crescent moon movements felt like being rocked and held, and I internalized this as an increased ability to soothe myself and know that everything was going to be okay. Shimmies taught me about conservation of energy and I understood finally that the surest path to power is not through ceaseless effort, but rather by relaxing into the flow and momentum of an experience. As immersed myself in undulations, I re- connected to the ongoing rhythm of life, and was able to look back at my now passing grief, and see that no matter how far out to sea I had been tossed, there was always that life current pulling me safely back to shore.
New opportunities for healing were part and parcel of my belly dance adventure. Not only did the ancient movement vocabulary open up new mind/body vistas for me, it also brought me together with a sisterhood of like-minded and hearted women. Many of the women in these classes were on own similar quests for healing and opening. We would often gather together after classes to discuss the changes in our bodies and our psyche’s that seemed to be happening as a result of the dance. We met in coffee shops, restaurants. Sometimes we would just stand on the street outside of class space talking for hours.
I think I’d been taking classes for about a year, when our instructor Barbara invited those who were interested to a meeting to discuss forming a ritual dance troupe, dedicated to dancing our power and beauty as women. It was from the original nine that attended that meeting that The Goddess Dancing was born.
That was nine years ago and in that time many things have changed in my life. Some of the original members of the troupe have left and other members have joined, creating a new sisterhood. The Goddess Dancing has grown into a thriving teaching and performing business.
My first husband and I decided that we had come to the end of our path together and we separated in what was probably the world’s most amicable divorce. I left my social work job and opened my own private practice and consulting business. I formed many new loving connections and suffered some painful losses. Throughout it all, this dance and the circle of women I have met as a result of it have sustained and supported my transformation.
Now in my 42nd year, I’ve met a new love/ life partner, soon-to be husband and I am pregnant with our first child. In many ways, my life has come full circle and I face a new set of challenges. As I ready myself to face this next leg of my journey, I realize that the dance has taught me to trust, both myself and the universe in a way I could have never conceived of when I began. I find I have no fear of the future and that I have the courage to embrace whatever comes to me.
So, I thank the Goddess for bringing me to the dance and for letting me do her work all these years. I thank her for the community of women who have bedrock of my support. And I eagerly await whatever new adventure she has in store for me.
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This piece was originally written in early winter of 1999. Since that time, Lorraine has married the love of her life. With the help of the dance and its strong sisterhood, she has birthed through the belly by C-section: their beautiful son Lucas.
She has left The Goddess Dancing, become a collaborator in Sacred Source Belly Dance and established her own independently run Belly Dance as Healing Dance series of workshops and classes. Working in her capacity as a feminist therapist, she continues to expand her private practice in Body Centered Psychotherapy for Women, looking for new ways of connecting of connecting women to their power, beauty, and strength.
© Lorraine Lafata, 2001
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